I am so over you. You have come in and out of my life for 16 years as you please, sending me into panic attacks and bedridden days. I have spent days and nights searching for your birth certificate, trying to figure out how to send you back. Were you passed down to me or did I do something in my life create you?
I am writing to you to let you know that I’m ready to break up. I don’t need you in my life, keeping me fearful and stuck. I have used medications for years to keep you at bay, and each time I have tried to stop them you have found a way to sneak back in. My mom usually sees you first; she says my voice sounds different when you’re around. And then I feel you, inside my body and in my heart. The tense muscles and irritability, the feeling of your weight on my chest. I hear you in my mind, and the tone you use with me is oppressive and abusive. The “not enough” talk and “why bother” attitude; you treat me like shit, really.
You really hurt me when you came to my door again after my son was born; it really was piss poor timing. It’s been 2 ½ years and I’ve decided to see other people. I’ve worked really hard these past few months to erase your name from my memory. I’m angry with you for putting me in this position, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little afraid.
I can feel you sneaking in sometimes on these cold, rainy days; and I want you to know you’re not welcome here anymore. I’m calling you out. I’m brave now and I’m not afraid to tell you that I see you. I know what your voice sounds like. And I know that your voice isn’t my voice, it’s not me, so please spare me with that mind game again.
I’m in a relationship with Courage now, and things are going really well. Like many relationships I’ve had in the past, I learned a lot from you. And I’m ready to let you go.
It’s important that I say thank you. Our dates were anything but romantic, our conversations actually filled with hate and hurtful comments, but you’ve taught me a lot about myself. When I was younger I was afraid to stand up to you. I rarely told anyone when you came around because I was ashamed and embarrassed.
Over the years I think you made me stronger, you showed me how resilient the human soul really is. You helped me make new friends and find new opportunities, just by talking about you. I know just what I’m made of now, and just because you have been a part of my life doesn’t mean you define me.